-temporary boredom-

well im in classe. English class. And I`m a little bored.

- Dear Mother -

It's been a while now, and I still dont know how to start. I guess I can start by saying I regret. I regret not having the realtionship with you that I know we should have - could have - had. I know you've tryed, and I know I've held back. I know that I havent always been the best daughter. I want you to know I regret leaving all the times I have. And I regret saying hurtfull things to you.

Theres just so much that wants to come out right now , I just really dont know how to put it into words.

I've realized. I have realized just how much you sacrificed for me , and for chantale and andrew and tanner. I realize how much you've had to give up, and how much you've been hurt. I realize that you always put us first, even when we were blinded by our selfish ways. I am old enough now to understand this. Sometimes I forget, I admit. Sometimes I dont realize how much I hurt you by neglecting all you do. But I want you to know you have the upper hand , and you always have . You have always been the better person. And that one night when you told me you regreted not being a better mother, it truely made my heart shatter. Because it wasent true. You havent been anything near that. You've done all in your power to assure the wellbeing of myself and my sinblings no matter what. Although I hated seeing men come and go out of your life, I knew it was a learning lesson in your life you needed to take. We all need it. I just would have thought by now you would have learned the true characteristics of "the perfect man" for you (haha). Point is, I hate seeing you hurt. And I hate seeing you being pretty much abandonned by these selfish, good for nothing humain beings that know nothing about sacrafice, love, compassion, HONESTY. You are a person who thinks more about others then yourself, and I've noticed that once you try and do something for yourself, something bad tends to happy. And you know why ? I think its because your not capable of trusting yourself with yourself. You need to learn to be able to appriciate yourself more, and realize all that you are worth. You dont need other people to notice it, although most of us do. Point Blank, You give so much and ask so little. I aprreciate that.

In the end , I guess all I really needed to say was thank you. For everything. I I one day hope to be half the women you are.

I love you Mom.

- French Class -

Hello :)
so I am in french class at the moment. I am with my wonderful besties Amber & Chrissy :) ! I should be working , thats for sure. But , I'd rather not. haha ,
Today was fun ! Our school went to the mall to watch a movie in French. It was really sad because it was about a little boy who had cancer. I cried a lot .
Im working tonight :) !
And then I'm going out with ma bestie Tasha :)

anyways, I'm out for now , peace :)

- come home .. -

sometimes I wonder just what it would take. what it would take to have you come back to me. you were the best part of my life. we didnt spend as much time together as we had hoped. where did it go wrong? why did we fall apart. why did you walk away. why why why. so many times ive told you how much I loved you . what i was whilling to do to keep you in my arms. that i would fight for you; for us. but yet you still left. you still took the easyer road. leaving me. leaving us. what made it so easy ? was I just not that good enough? how is it that every memory we ever made was so easy to put away ? its not for me. I still cry. I pray even. pray that you will come home. where I know you belong. with me . we were once envyed. people wanted what we had. i still want it. after everything. after the cheating & lying. I love you , Gregory Thomas Brawn. you were, and still are, and always will be. the love of my life. im young, I know. and maybe thats why you left. were you scared of finding the one so early ? I was. but everytime I looked in your eyes I saw myself. I say you . I saw us, being happyer then ever. even the fights couldnt break us. I love you . and I cry because maybe.. we arent ment to be. and that scares me. I hope one day you come across this, and see that you mean the world to me. I adore you . I adore who I was when I was with you . I adore, you .

- where do I go from here -

you know , I hate when people talk about lost love. how they want us all to pity them. because , they seem to not know what real love is. & maybe thats what everyone thinks now. maybe they all think I dont know what real love is. I think they are wrong. love isnt about being in fantasy mode. I wasnt. there were problems . there were mistakes & heart break. but there was also good times. God, he means the world to me. I mean , i never fought for him to stay. Because someone once told me that if something truely ment something to you , and it happened to slip away. let it go. because if they return, you know it was all worth it in the end. and if they dont , then you know it was neevr worth it. he called. me told me he misses me. he wanted to think about us . he's been thinking about me. does it mean he's coming back ? i dont know. sometimes i wish, because I love him. he will NEVER understand just how much i do. no one will . people tell me all the time he is so bad for me. but hes not. ive learned so much from him. i miss the fights, the laughter, the smiles,EVERYTHING. id give all i had to be in his arms again. maybe one day he will stumble across this post. maybe, one day, he will realise & come home ...

- What Do You Say To Taking Chances ? -

Why does it have to be this hard ? Honestly , getting over someone should be easy right ? And it should me even easyer if they hurt you , lied to you , was just mean sometimes. But what about all the good things. The fact he cared. The fact that he introduced me to all his friends as his girl. The fact he was willing to do whatever it took to keep me safe? What about the kisses. The first kiss. The "our song". What about the time he played our song , came up to me , huged me, then kissed me , and we stayed lost in that moment. What about the times we just layed around listening to each others heartbeats and everything was going to be okay? What about us..

I dont know anymore. I dont know anything. I want to have and answer. I want to know why it just cant be like before. How a love so strong could have slipped away. I know it was my fault for the most part . I didnt want to push him away . But I did. And I've shed so many tears over him . I dont want to write a pity infested sob story . I just want to finaly admit to myself that I love him and its not gonna change. No matter what he does. No matter what happends. You cant just forget something that strong. I want to be with him and I want to fight for him . No ones gonna like it if we end up together again. But thats a risk I'm whilling to take.

For anyone who let there love slip away. FIGHT. I mean it . Some day , it might all be worth it .

-First Job-

Hey there everyone :) 

Today my post isnt about something objective ( applause ) haha . 
Today , my post is about my very first real job ! ,
I work at a Pizza Place ! Its a lot of fun , but its combined with a bunch of other shops , so its a small space , and it gets REALLY hot because of the pizza oven. But over all , its a great work environnement :) ! I really love it , even tho the fatigue kicks in about .... NOW . haha , anyways , I'm going to the movies with my dad, my sister and her friend , so I must go , haha , 

Adios xox :) 

- these verses -

she beet you down , 
its plain to see, 
how a soul as fragile as yours,
made it all too easy .

the words you write,
and the tears you cry,
make you all worth while -
makes you worth how hard I try.

the past brought me pain, 
from unwilling you , 
but now I see a chance,
something I want to pursuit.

I can be what you need , 
now can you see ?
that all she never was , 
is everything I can be. 

But who am I to write such things, 
and hope you understand, 
that all I really want, 
is for us the beat the odds, hand in hand. 

So I write these last 4 verses, 
to your work , they cannot compare, 
I hope you understand these rhymes, 
and I hope for love, one day we will share. 
 

- You -

your words reach out ,
as if to save whats left of me .
your eyes only see,
what I was ment to be.
your hidden smile,
lights up my world for miles.
yet, your words never say ,
all that i want to hear.
your eyes never see,
how I want you so badley.
& your smile,
although beautiful, never smiled back at me. 

- Love -

Today I have a pretty objective topic.
LOVE

What is love ? I guess we all have our own definition. But what does it really mean, to be inlove ?
In my opinion, it is when you have found someone you share a special bond with. Weather its a parent, a sibling, or a person you "like". I think that when it comes to love, you have to look deeper then what the person appears to be. I believe that looking deeper into who the person is makes you a better lover, so to speak. When people say love hurts, it doesnt. Break ups do. Sorrow does. Lonelyness does. All things that come in the package of love hurts. But not love. You cannot love a thing without willing to fight for it. This is true. When it all comes down in the end, you fight for the ones you love. You fight for air when you are born because you want to spend your life surrounded by the ones you love. You fight with your parents because you love them and all they want is to protect you ; the one they love. If you really think about it , we fight and argue because we love .

- Ignorance -

Hello There Bloggers, 

So, today I have an interesting topic to blab about . 

Homosexuality.

Honestly , what is so wrong about homosexuals or bisexuals ? NOTHING . They are people like you and like me . We all end up searching for the same thing, LOVE . And you know what ? Love is blind. Love has no preference when choosing one another . When you love someone , you love them , regardless of who they are of what they are . In the end , we should all envy homosexuals because they rebel against the prejudice that is the life goal of marriage and sex and children by women/men relations. They find love THERE way. They are honestly the most loving out of everyone because they know how to love. Because they stay true to who they are. I believe strongly that they should be the leaders of our society, that we should look up to the fact they aren't afraid of what stuck up ignorant people have to say . I'm proud to say that one of my best friends is a girl and has a girlfriend. I've learned so much from her. I've learned to love myself, I've learned to fight against stereotypes and nonsense. She has truly thought me the value of life and I am so grateful. I hope people will one day realize how important equality is for all of us. If we all try , pain could be a minority and we wouldn't have to worry so much. So please, before you refer to the words "gay" and "fag" , think of someones best friend, someone mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, and realize that we are all the same at heart . Appreciate you're gift of speech and life and love and stop harassing those who are different .   

- Life Is A Test -

Life's a test..... do you pass?

At age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 12, success is...having friends.

At age 16, success is...having a driver's license.

At age 20, success is...having sex.

At age 35, success is...having money.

At age 50, success is...having money.

At age 60, success is...having sex.

At age 70, success is...having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is...having friends.

At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants.


I thought this was the coolest thing ever. And you know its all true xD .
Overall, Lifes great , dont cha know :)

- Freedom -

Freedom is something that ever living person wants. It has become one of the few needs the human race desires the most. Freedom is not only a word, but a reward. It alows you to speek your mind, be who you want to be, and live your life . Freedom is supposed to be the best part of any stage in your life. For example, the first time your parents buy you a bike. It's a privilage, a gift, but also a responsability; freedom. Later on, you obtain the privilage of riding that bike off into the sunset, or atleast the end of the block. Freedom allows you to explore and find out who you are and who you want to be with. It allows you to find love, friendship, and happyness. So basicly, freedom is, everything.

- Silence -

I am sitting in the car, anticipating a word, a gesture from the man driving. My father hadn't said much since we left my mothers. I knew that it would be the last time I saw her for a while, but I don't believe he wanted me to face that fact just yet. The silence I feel is deafening. The only sound is the that of the window wipers in the rain, and the soft sounds of my dads favorite station. A tear drop made its way down my face, and that was enough to make him break the silence.

He let me know it wasn't meant to be, that living there would just make me unhappy. The arrangement was made, the papers signed. And so, my life with my only single parent started. It took me a while to come to the realization that I had to do whats right for me. Weather it mean I was happy or just mildly content, I had to do so. His presence in my mothers house was degrading the good life we had. As half my family falls apart, I wait for the day when she realizes what shes done. And as I wait, I ponder on the questions stuck in my head, and eagerly try and find the answers. I have found one eternal answer, however ; make sure you are content with your life. That you are reaching your goals, and you are fulfilling your dreams. I mean, no one can be the author of your autobiography, and no one chooses whether you move forward or backwards. In the end, your are the only one who can move your pawn when its your move.

- Valentines Day -

So, it's valentines day tomorrow. Everyone believes this event to be so cliche, it should be banned. But how has it become so ? In the 18th century, and maybe even before, Valentines Day was a day to express ones love for another. But why need a day to remind someone we love them ? It should be a daily, or at least a weekly thing. My opinion, is just that it's a day to do something special for the one you love, on a day that everyone does the same. Because I believe that love can be expressed just as well on any day of the year, other than V-Day.

As to my plans for this day, I am not able to spend it with my boyfriend, since he is currently moving in with his mom. This moment has been highly anticipated for a long time now, and really, who am I to ruin that ? So, a good phone call to say I love you is good enough for me. I mean, flowers and chocolate wouldn't hurt, but that's okay :)

To all readers, hope you all have a great valentines day with your significant one :) !

- Another Cheesy Cliche -

Well Hello There Readers,

This is my second blog. This one is just to start off new , refresh. I have new ideas, new plans, and the old blog doesn't do my life of the moment justice.

Anyways , most posts will be about me , my lifestyle, loves, hardships, a real chicken soup for the soul.

I'm going to end this post saying I hope you can relate and take some nice advice from my posts, and I hope you enjoy it a little :) . Have a good day ,