-temporary boredom-

well im in classe. English class. And I`m a little bored.

- Dear Mother -

It's been a while now, and I still dont know how to start. I guess I can start by saying I regret. I regret not having the realtionship with you that I know we should have - could have - had. I know you've tryed, and I know I've held back. I know that I havent always been the best daughter. I want you to know I regret leaving all the times I have. And I regret saying hurtfull things to you.

Theres just so much that wants to come out right now , I just really dont know how to put it into words.

I've realized. I have realized just how much you sacrificed for me , and for chantale and andrew and tanner. I realize how much you've had to give up, and how much you've been hurt. I realize that you always put us first, even when we were blinded by our selfish ways. I am old enough now to understand this. Sometimes I forget, I admit. Sometimes I dont realize how much I hurt you by neglecting all you do. But I want you to know you have the upper hand , and you always have . You have always been the better person. And that one night when you told me you regreted not being a better mother, it truely made my heart shatter. Because it wasent true. You havent been anything near that. You've done all in your power to assure the wellbeing of myself and my sinblings no matter what. Although I hated seeing men come and go out of your life, I knew it was a learning lesson in your life you needed to take. We all need it. I just would have thought by now you would have learned the true characteristics of "the perfect man" for you (haha). Point is, I hate seeing you hurt. And I hate seeing you being pretty much abandonned by these selfish, good for nothing humain beings that know nothing about sacrafice, love, compassion, HONESTY. You are a person who thinks more about others then yourself, and I've noticed that once you try and do something for yourself, something bad tends to happy. And you know why ? I think its because your not capable of trusting yourself with yourself. You need to learn to be able to appriciate yourself more, and realize all that you are worth. You dont need other people to notice it, although most of us do. Point Blank, You give so much and ask so little. I aprreciate that.

In the end , I guess all I really needed to say was thank you. For everything. I I one day hope to be half the women you are.

I love you Mom.

- French Class -

Hello :)
so I am in french class at the moment. I am with my wonderful besties Amber & Chrissy :) ! I should be working , thats for sure. But , I'd rather not. haha ,
Today was fun ! Our school went to the mall to watch a movie in French. It was really sad because it was about a little boy who had cancer. I cried a lot .
Im working tonight :) !
And then I'm going out with ma bestie Tasha :)

anyways, I'm out for now , peace :)

- come home .. -

sometimes I wonder just what it would take. what it would take to have you come back to me. you were the best part of my life. we didnt spend as much time together as we had hoped. where did it go wrong? why did we fall apart. why did you walk away. why why why. so many times ive told you how much I loved you . what i was whilling to do to keep you in my arms. that i would fight for you; for us. but yet you still left. you still took the easyer road. leaving me. leaving us. what made it so easy ? was I just not that good enough? how is it that every memory we ever made was so easy to put away ? its not for me. I still cry. I pray even. pray that you will come home. where I know you belong. with me . we were once envyed. people wanted what we had. i still want it. after everything. after the cheating & lying. I love you , Gregory Thomas Brawn. you were, and still are, and always will be. the love of my life. im young, I know. and maybe thats why you left. were you scared of finding the one so early ? I was. but everytime I looked in your eyes I saw myself. I say you . I saw us, being happyer then ever. even the fights couldnt break us. I love you . and I cry because maybe.. we arent ment to be. and that scares me. I hope one day you come across this, and see that you mean the world to me. I adore you . I adore who I was when I was with you . I adore, you .

- where do I go from here -

you know , I hate when people talk about lost love. how they want us all to pity them. because , they seem to not know what real love is. & maybe thats what everyone thinks now. maybe they all think I dont know what real love is. I think they are wrong. love isnt about being in fantasy mode. I wasnt. there were problems . there were mistakes & heart break. but there was also good times. God, he means the world to me. I mean , i never fought for him to stay. Because someone once told me that if something truely ment something to you , and it happened to slip away. let it go. because if they return, you know it was all worth it in the end. and if they dont , then you know it was neevr worth it. he called. me told me he misses me. he wanted to think about us . he's been thinking about me. does it mean he's coming back ? i dont know. sometimes i wish, because I love him. he will NEVER understand just how much i do. no one will . people tell me all the time he is so bad for me. but hes not. ive learned so much from him. i miss the fights, the laughter, the smiles,EVERYTHING. id give all i had to be in his arms again. maybe one day he will stumble across this post. maybe, one day, he will realise & come home ...

- What Do You Say To Taking Chances ? -

Why does it have to be this hard ? Honestly , getting over someone should be easy right ? And it should me even easyer if they hurt you , lied to you , was just mean sometimes. But what about all the good things. The fact he cared. The fact that he introduced me to all his friends as his girl. The fact he was willing to do whatever it took to keep me safe? What about the kisses. The first kiss. The "our song". What about the time he played our song , came up to me , huged me, then kissed me , and we stayed lost in that moment. What about the times we just layed around listening to each others heartbeats and everything was going to be okay? What about us..

I dont know anymore. I dont know anything. I want to have and answer. I want to know why it just cant be like before. How a love so strong could have slipped away. I know it was my fault for the most part . I didnt want to push him away . But I did. And I've shed so many tears over him . I dont want to write a pity infested sob story . I just want to finaly admit to myself that I love him and its not gonna change. No matter what he does. No matter what happends. You cant just forget something that strong. I want to be with him and I want to fight for him . No ones gonna like it if we end up together again. But thats a risk I'm whilling to take.

For anyone who let there love slip away. FIGHT. I mean it . Some day , it might all be worth it .

-First Job-

Hey there everyone :) 

Today my post isnt about something objective ( applause ) haha . 
Today , my post is about my very first real job ! ,
I work at a Pizza Place ! Its a lot of fun , but its combined with a bunch of other shops , so its a small space , and it gets REALLY hot because of the pizza oven. But over all , its a great work environnement :) ! I really love it , even tho the fatigue kicks in about .... NOW . haha , anyways , I'm going to the movies with my dad, my sister and her friend , so I must go , haha , 

Adios xox :)